Friday, July 24, 2009

A new realization

I haven't posted in a while and it's because I'm still having technical difficulties. I will post some good recipes soon - it's just going to take a while...

But in the meantime, I've had some good revelations that are getting me onto a better track and I wanted to share them in the spirit of being transparent, and hopefully helping others who are traveling a similarly painful journey.

I was sitting in my car waiting for someone a few weeks ago. In front of me, there was a full moon, a hospital, and a Marriott hotel. I randomly started piecing together the significance of each of these things sitting in front of me and the conclusions I drew that night are still very much with me today.
1. The Full Moon represents the past
Kaelyn was born the day before the full moon. The only reason I specifically remember this is because I was worried that the hospital would fill up and I would have to share a room. It almost happened, but I threatened to leave that night and the nurses were nice enough to keep my room empty for one more night. I'm forever grateful for that! But regardless, looking at that full moon made me think of Kaelyn and remember her birth and what she has brought to our lives.
2. The Hospital represents the future
The hospital I was looking at was the hospital I could end up delivering at (with a future baby) should I go farther down the "treatment" road. Basically, if I go to a new group of docs, this is the hospital they are affiliated with and it's the best and most advanced for high-risk births in our area. I was not excited to think of this as this hospital is 30 mins away from us with no traffic. It also brought notions of high risk, stress, intervention, etc. It made me very sad to think of the more tense births of future babies with all of the knowledge I now have. It will never be simple for me again.
3. The Marriott Hotel represents the present
Mike and I have been planning a getaway for our anniversary and were planning to use the last of our "Marriott points" for the hotel. It was becoming a pain to plan and I was getting frustrated. I suddenly realized that I've been craving an outdoor vacation and maybe we should consider camping, hiking, etc. This greatly shaped the plans for our trip and I feel that we will be able to connect with the "earth" a little more than I originally thought. For this I am grateful!

So as I reflected upon the past, the present, and the made me think of my original values around starting a family. I always told Mike I promised I'd have at least one of our own children - God willing. But if we were unable to have our own, I have always felt strongly about adoption and would rather pursue adoption than any treatments. It is my core belief that if we are not able to have our own children, then we should help someone who is not lucky enough to have their own family...rather than forcing something to happen that isn't happening naturally. I realize this is not how most people think and I do not want to be offensive to anyone who does pursue treatment- this is just how I feel for myself. I have always felt that I could be a good adoptive mother and it's something I would like to do.
Needless to say, I never thought after having Kaelyn that I would need to entertain the idea of adoption, but I have had the blessing to be in recent conversations with another friend who is going through the adoption process and it reminded me of how wonderful it is to be able to give a good life to a less fortunate soul. So looking at that hospital that night in my car, I realized that I do not want to intervene in any way with my body's natural ability to have another child. We have made a LOT of natural changes to our bodies and continue to do so. But I made a decision that night that when we are ready, we will try again and we will either continue to miscarry or we will be lucky enough to hear another of our own baby's cry. But if we are not so lucky, when I am done losing babies and just can't do it anymore, I will go down the adoption route.

What this means for me is that I will not be taking baby aspirin and heparin/lovenox injections. I will try everything I can to help the physiology of my body and my genes in a natural way... and then we'll see if it works. I'm working with two "natural" doctors and both are helping to work with things to "turn off" those thrombotic genes that for whatever reason decided to "turn on"... and hopefully that will work.
Right now, here is what I am on:
Vitamin E
Fish Oil
Kaprex AI (Anti-inflammatory)
Juice Plus (Garden, Fruit, and Vineyard Blends)

And of course I'm still supplementing for the nutritional deficiencies I found.
I'm still running more tests. Just tested my thyroid and it was fine. Just did some routine "physical" tests - choloesterol and such - and I came out with FLYING colors. Now they are checking for more immunological/inflammatory issues which does require me to crap in a cup. Not excited about this but I'm going with the flow. I do feel blessed to get to know so much about my body - I know I never would have taken the time otherwise!!

I know that was a long story, but I feel so much better having come to this conclusion. It's almost freeing - to know that I have another choice. I know I had the choice all the long but it didn't really feel like it until now. I was recently asked about whether I saw our family as bigger or not. The answer has always been "yes." Although I've tried to give myself the option of not having more children, I've never been able to see Kaelyn as our only child. It just never felt right to me. But now I know that even if she doesn't have a blood sibling, she'll still have a sibling. And as a mom who has to carry the weight of getting pregnant, being pregnant, staying pregnant...well at some point I can let myself off the hook if that doesn't work out.